To me, the dating game is one big pain in the ass. Grant, it, it's been over three decades
since I was a contestant, but one never forgets the anguish of reading minds. "Does she like me?" "What is she really like?"
And of course, "What the hell does she mean by that?"
Someday they'll invent a machine you can point at a potential dating prospect, and it will
tell you everything you want to know about them. More than likely, it will tell you things you DON'T want to know. This fantastic
new machine will probably be called something like a "Diagnostic Interpretation Center for Knowledge". DICK for short.
At first, the DICKS will be bulky; about the size of a VCR. When they're new you'll be able
to pull one over on your dates, but once everyone gets word on what you're using, it'll be hard to point your DICK at a woman
without her knowing what's going on.
Gratefully, when the new models come out, they'll be the size of a ball point pen. These small
DICKS will be fun to use. No one will know when they're being analyzed. Point it at your potential date and watch it do it's
thing.
@^*)(#: BEEP! Specimen-female: age -23: dimensions-34-24-36: (Padded bra adds two inches to
chest) hair-blonde: (brown roots, bad bleach job) face-Max Factor makeup, hides acne scars and sagging cheekbones. Stamina
of a race horse, and is presently on the pill. Has no desire for marital commitments. Looking for a good time with no ties.
Female is presently not ovulating, conception highly unlikely. She things you're an ass hole! BEEP! @^*)(#
Pretty scary stuff. Women would no longer be so mysterious to us men. But, in the same respect,
men would no longer be able to hide all their faults from the women they love. When a woman uses her DICK on a man, it's sure
to raise a few eyebrows.
@^*)(#: BEEP! Specimen-male: age-27: dimension-32" waist, but has gut sucked in. Hair-thinning
on top, strategic comb job hides it. Lives with parents. Socks and underwear on their third day. Abdominal area contains high
traces of gastronomic energy. Brain waves indicate obsession on getting member of opposite sex naked. Specimen thinks you're
ugly, but you have a killer body. Wants to go to your place so he can skip out when he's done. Carrying a year-old prophylactic
in wallet, but it's dry-rotted. He's married! BEEP! @^*)(#
As these new "DICKS" become more complex, the language will deteriorate to accommodate the
average man and woman. No beating around the bush. Just get right to the point.
@^*)(#: BEEP! WARNING! WARNING! Just started period. TOTAL BITCH! No desire to be with a man,
unless it's to castrate him. Has had more sex partners than Wilt Chamberlain; and in half the time. Drove hard, put away wet.
Breast implants, Lyposuction, nose job, and facelift. Has ears like Dumbo. Wearing Depends and an IUD equipped with razor
blades. If you have any dignity, RUN LIKE HELL! BEEP! @^*)(#
Ahhh, Yes. These new "DICKS" will make dating a lot simpler. Probably a lot shorter too!
